If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
