I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
