so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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