I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
