Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
