Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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