I want you more than these girls want KFC
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
