someone threw a dead crab at me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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