i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
