Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
