dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
