We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
