I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
