If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
