my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
