life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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