I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
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