I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I met the friendliest cop last night
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
