Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
