I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
