You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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