someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
