The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
