She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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