at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
