hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
