When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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