wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
