im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
