Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
