Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
