Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
