I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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