I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
