I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
