Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
No stitches, just platelets and will power
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
