If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
