I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
