apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
