I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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