also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The power of my boobs compel you
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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