It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
