you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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