Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
