The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I need to stop coming to work sober
handjob tips. give me some.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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