Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
