The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Pooping to opera.
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