Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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