my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
