I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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